Planning for a marriage not just a wedding…

Some of you know that for the past few months I have been seeing a therapist. Some people may feel uncomfortable sharing this with people but I think it’s something that should be encouraged and seen as normal. I decided to start therapy for a variety of reasons and had been curious about seeking therapy for quite some time before finally taking the plunge. I started in March. With our engagement imminent I thought it a perfect time to gain some clear perspective and work on myself before committing to one man for the rest of my life. At 27 years old I am an adult (weird!) but know that I still have a lot of learning and growing to do. As my therapist puts it at this age most people still think and act selfishly with a “me” perspective and it can be a difficult transition to change that to a “we” way of thinking which is essential in a successful marriage. She says this is the reason a lot of marriages fail. You can not be selfish and be in a happy marriage – there needs to be give and take. Some people I think just are not capable of this way of thinking. It doesn’t make them bad people but it also means they aren’t exactly marriage material. In our last session we talked a lot about my relationships outside of mine with Matt which got me thinking. For example I like to spend time by myself sometimes and with my friends without Matt there. Does that make me selfish?? When I asked my therapist this she said that spending time away from Matt and having friends and support outside of our relationship is healthy (yay!) and that you should not be so dependent on your partner that you depend on only them for emotional support and companionship. This is called being codependent and a bit needy. I know that feeling because I have been there in past relationships. It’s important to me especially with Matt being a police officer and having a crazy work schedule to have support from family and friends.  I am lucky to have a group of amazing women in my life who I am close with. I wish we all lived in the same neighborhood or down the hall from each other like in college but I know they are all just a phone call, text, gchat, or FB message away. In addition to my family and friends I am happy that I now have my therapist to talk to as well and I HIGHLY recommend it to everyone whether you are going through a major life change (like getting married!), just need someone to talk to, or just want to get to know yourself better in general. This is someone I go and talk to once a week who helps me interpret my own feelings and helps me gain perspective so that I can better understand myself and the people in my life including my fiancé. Since being in therapy I feel that I have a better sense of how what I say and do effects people. It’s an ongoing process and I have times when I wonder why I bother going but I know that it’s good for me and I know that I’m all the better for it (and so is my relationship). I want to be the best person I can be for myself and for my (soon to be) marriage. It makes me so happy to know and feel how committed Matt and I are to each other and I feel proud of myself that I am putting in the work to improve myself so I can be the kind of partner he deserves. No one is perfect and no relationship is perfect but I know that if both people are committed and willing to put in the work and act and think as a “we” then you have a chance to make it. 🙂  Ok now I sound like my therapist….

I started reading this book which my therapist recommended and Matt will be reading it after me (he happily agreed to! part of the many reasons I adore him). It’s called Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert. I am only 40 pages in but already hooked and sad the book isn’t longer. It’s by the author of Eat,Pray, Love. The book is all about marriage and her journey to come to terms with getting married again after a terrible divorce and her interviews with women all over the world from all different cultures to figure out what makes marriages work. I have a feeling I will be recommending this to everyone whether you are married, in a relationship, or even thinking about getting married someday.

 

It’s WEDDING SEASON.

As May comes to a close we say hello to wedding season! My facebook feed is already flooded with wedding pictures and our fridge is decorated with save the dates and invitations to the weddings we’re invited to. Matt and I have 3 weddings to attend this year and as much as I love a good party I can’t help but be relieved that it’s not more than that. Being a guest at a wedding can be pricey and now that we are saving for our own wedding we are feelin’ it even more. However, now that I have the experience of writing a guest list I can really appreciate how much care and consideration goes into inviting people to a wedding.. especially when on a budget. If you’re invited to someones wedding it’s really quite an honor. This couple is saying that they want you there to share with them this huge special day in their lives. You may feel pressure to spend money on a gift and buy a new dress to wear, but it’s worth it to be able to witness something as special as a wedding. Also wedding receptions are a TON of fun.

Now that we are engaged and planning our own wedding I find myself paying a LOT of attention to the way other couples do things. Facebook is interesting in that it’s like having a peek into people’s weddings when you weren’t even invited! Maybe it makes me a creeper but I like that I can look through pics from people’s weddings and pick out things I like or don’t like. It’s strange that everything is so open and public now. I can be logged into facebook and a picture will pop up in my feed of a couple at the altar kissing.. posted in real time RIGHT after they married. Recently I’ve been very attracted to the idea of having an “unplugged ceremony.” I think I would really like guests at our wedding to leave the photography up to the professionals (We will be paying them a lot of money!) and just be in the moment and enjoy our ceremony. I want to look back at pictures from our ceremony and not see iPhones in the air and the last thing I want to be hearing when exchanging vows with Matt is the beeping of digital cameras or the “click” of a smartphone taking a pic. Once the kiss happens then it’s fair game. Maybe this makes me a control freak but I know that  it’s an increasingly common request among brides and grooms these days for guests to put the cell phones away and just enjoy. This is the one time when I get to call the shots and for the 20 mins or so that our ceremony lasts I want to go back to basics before people were glued to their phones and feeling the need to document every moment. I am as hooked to my iPhone as the next person and love taking pictures at weddings but I know that if a couple requested an “unplugged” ceremony I would respect their wishes. Here is good article about the perks of going “unplugged”

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bridal-guide/why-you-might-want-to-con_b_3331528.html

Aside from oogling at people’s wedding pics on Facebook I know that attending weddings will feel different now that we are engaged. I already know that I’m going to be reading into every detail and making mental notes on what I do (or don’t) want to do at our own wedding. I think when throwing a party like this there is a lot of pressure to impress people. We will have quite a few guests traveling from out of town, state,  and even out of the country to come for our wedding so it’s important to us to make it worth their while!  This can feel a little daunting however when you’re on a budget and overwhelmed by the cost of everything. Weddings are expensive and there really is no way around it. Even people who plan all the DIY projects they can imagine often still end up spending more on supplies and craft materials than they would have had they just bought the items already made. I hope to find a good balance with this where I will do some DIY to add personal touches to our wedding but also knowing when it’s worth it to just fork over the money and let someone else do the work. This next couple months will involve a lot of brainstorming, list writing, and budgeting for things like decorations, flowers, and favors. While we want to make guests happy ultimately we don’t want to be buried in debt after this is over and we are inviting people who love us and (we hope) are genuinely happy for us and want to be there for more that the free food and booze. We can’t wait to share our wedding day with the friends and family we’re inviting and just want it to be the best it can be for what we can afford!

As the weekend approaches I’m getting more and more excited to go home with Matt. He hasn’t been home in a long time so he’s excited to see our families and we are both SUPER pumped to go to Dinosaur BBQ and have a campfire Saturday night at my parent’s house. Neither of us have seen our families since getting engaged so it will be fun to see everyone and my family will finally get to see my ring. That reminds me that I’m in desperate need of a manicure. Never in my life have I been more self conscious about the condition of my fingernails! I am also getting more excited about dress shopping on Saturday. I have been feeling some mixed emotions and worrying that I’m going to be nervous or self conscious and not like the way I look in the dresses but I need to let that go and just enjoy it. These dresses are designed to make you look good and I need to just be open minded and not so critical of myself. This is a once in a lifetime experience and I need to enjoy every moment.

 

 

Shouldn’t I be doing something..?

In my first post I discussed how hectic the weeks immediately following our engagement were. I was a bit panicky, I cried a couple times, and of course lashed out at my fiancé over things that really weren’t that serious. However my anxious personality and need to be prepared for all the things came in handy this time since I officially have most of the major vendors booked for our wedding and we have over a year til the big day! Now I find myself with this nagging feeling that I should be doing/planning something but at the moment there isn’t much that needs to be done aside from try to save money.

For pictures my first choice was the awesomely talented photographer who shot Jenn’s wedding last July. I was a bridesmaid in Jenn’s wedding and I liked the fact that I had met the photographer and felt comfortable around her.. not to mention the pictures from Jenn’s wedding came out BEAUTIFUL. Unfortunately when I inquired about her rates/availability she told me she only had one wedding booked for 2015 and it happens to be on our date!! Boooo. I freaked out a bit and panicked. Taking pictures is a hobby of mine and I found that I am extremely critical and picky when it comes to picking someone to take pictures on what is to be one of the best and most important days of my life. I don’t claim to be any kind of expert but I know enough about photography to know when I see someone with talent who understands basics of composition and lighting.. and also knows how to make people look good! These days it seems like anyone with a digital camera or an iPhone thinks they should start a facebook page and call themselves a photographer. I must have looked at the facebook pages and websites of dozens of “Photographers” who frankly look like they’ve had about as much professional training as I have. (NONE) Wedding photographers are NOT cheap and I refuse to pay someone thousands of dollars to do something I feel that I could do just as well (or better) on my own. Thankfully, Jenn’s photographer recommended a friend of hers who actually trained with her and therefor has a similar style. I was attracted to the professionalism in her Blog and website so I contacted her. Her prices were right, she was available for our date, and I just love her pictures and her style. I know I will still be a nervous wreck and worrying that I wont like the pictures but I need to just give up control and trust her. 

I AM SOOOO grateful to have Jenn’s expertise and experience at my disposal. She got married upstate just last year and her wedding was amazing so she’s been there to give me advice and recommendations for vendors. The big one was the DJ. We will be using Ormond Entertainment who did her wedding and I just can’t wait to work with these people. They are so on top things and detail oriented. I know that I won’t have a thing to worry about on my wedding day because these folks take their job super seriously and have thought of every detail. Matt is especially excited to work on picking wedding songs and he already knows what song he wants to dance with his mom to. He is a big softie and I just know I’m going to be a all ugly crying on the sidelines watching him dance with his momma. I can’t wait!

I just booked our hair and makeup appointments today also. Most people will say it’s ridiculously early to book that but I wanted to be sure that we got appointments at the spa at turning stone casino. The prices are reasonable and it’s so convenient to be able to get hair and makeup done all at once in the same space. Also it’s only a 10 min drive from the hotel. Yay!

Next on my list is finding transportation to shuttle guests back and forth between the hotel and the venue. We don’t want people drankin and drivin! I have called a handful of places and it’s looking like we might be renting a school bus (not kidding). I really dont care what the thing looks like as long is it doesnt’ break down and it gets my guests to the hotel safely!

This post was long and rambling and for that I apologize. Work is extremely slow this week so I have way too much free time on my hands. Typing here makes it look to people like I’m super busy which is kind of nice. Matt and I are heading home in a couple weeks for our tasting and I’m hoping to get to a bridal salon to take a look at dresses with whoever can join me. I’m anxious to try one of those bad boys on!

Until next time!!

 

Choosing… (wait for it).. BRIDESMAIDS!!

Most girls have it in their head who they want their bridesmaids to be before they even meet the man they are going to marry.. or WAY before they meet him. I am only having three bridesmaids and none of them were childhood friends or even highschool friends who I always thought would be in my wedding. The truth is that circumstances change, people grow together or apart, and when it comes time to choose bridesmaids you might end up with a group of people you’d never expect to have.

I have a fairly large group of girl friends from college and would have liked to have ALL off them be a part of my wedding but it’s just not realistic. I know first hand that being a bridesmaid is quite a commitment both financially and emotionally and being the already anxiety prone person that I am I knew it would be best for me to keep it simple and minimal to keep stress low for myself and all involved.

I knew right away that I’d want Matt’s sister, Katie, to be a bridesmaid. She is fabulous and sweet and I can’t wait to be her sister-in-law and have her a part of our big day.  After that it was very easy to choose my other two bridesmaids. I just thought of who my closest friends are.. friends who have seen me at my best and worst…who have been there for me through breakups, guy drama, seen me laugh and cry, and have been along for the ride to witness my relationship with Matt grow into what it is today. I chose the two women in my life who I don’t see going anywhere anytime soon… my friends Jenn (MOH) and Meg. These are women I respect and admire and who know how to handle my crazy and keep me (somewhat) sane throughout this process. They understand the kind of person I am and know my taste and style. They will respect the fact that I am repulsed my male strippers and will like no penis shaped paraphernalia at my bachelorette party. They accepted my proposal to be bridesmaids without hesitation and I know they are sincerely happy for me. I know I made the right choices and will have all the help I need during the next year.  🙂

A lot of brides stress out big time over choosing bridesmaids and feel a lot of guilt over choosing some people over others. My feeling is that you should go with your gut and do what’s best for you. For me keeping the group small was the best option. I know that my other friends will understand and will be happy to come and party it up (without having to spend the $$ on a bridesmaid dress or hair/makeup, etc.!!) I can’t wait to have these three girls by my side when I get married. ❤

 

Engaged for 3 weeks!

Here it is! I was encouraged by my lovely friend, Josie, to start a wedding blog so herrree we go! I guess I think of this as a way to help me organize my own thoughts and document my experience as I plan my wedding and get ready for this next stage of my life with Matt (my fiance!! Oh lala!) . I want to focus on the parts of being engaged that people don’t usually talk about. After the initial excitement and shock post-proposal wears off and the reality hits that you are GETTING MARRIED  this can bring up a whole array of emotions. I am experiencing them right now and let me tell you I was not warned off this before getting engaged. There are certain feelings and experiences that you just won’t understand until they happen to you.. and even then it’s hard to explain.

Even though I knew the proposal was coming he still managed to take me off guard and surprise me. Matt popped the question on a tiny bridge along the Charles River in the rain after we arrived in Boston on his 30th birthday. I had been planning the trip for months as his birthday gift and was fairly certain he wouldn’t propose during the trip (too obvious, right?) and definitely didn’t imagine him proposing outside during a rain storm. It was imperfectly perfect and in retrospect totally “us”. We joked later that I got my wish about not wanting people around during the proposal since we were the only people crazy enough to be out by the river in that weather. It was one of those moments in life that felt like an out of body experience as he got down on one knee and pulled out the ring box. I’m pretty sure I told him “Stop! Oh my god! What are you doing?! ARE YOU REALLY DOING THIS NOW?!” Definitely not your typical magical picture perfect reaction like in the movies.. but what can I say? I don’t always react well to surprises!  After I finally said “yes” and had the ring on my finger I had a goofy grin plastered on my face for the rest of the afternoon and night. I kept staring at the ring. I couldn’t believe we were officially engaged and this man who I’m completely in love with and can’t picture my life without feels the same way about me. It’s a hard thing for me still to wrap my head around!

The past few weeks since getting engaged have been a whirlwind of planning, pinteresting, phone calls, emails, contract signing, and check writing. We have been talking about planning our wedding in our heads for months now so once it became official we wasted no time getting solid plans together. Our wedding is next June which gives us a little over a year to plan! Considering we already have most of the big things planned/booked I’m hoping I can chill out for awhile and just enjoy our engagement without turning into too much of a psycho. It’s important to me to have conversations with Matt and my friends that don’t revolve around wedding stuff. It’s even more important to me that we don’t get so swept up in planning our wedding day that we lose sight of the whole point of it all. The wedding lasts ONE DAY. All of this planning and stress is all for one day of our lives. After that  day ends we have a lifetime together and a marriage to care for. I don’t want to lose sight of the big picture and my main priority is being healthy and continuing to building a strong healthy relationship with Matt. We plan to only do this getting married thing once so we want to do it right. 🙂